I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*