FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.