If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!