[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Anyone want a chair?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Don’t touch that.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.