Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.