“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Butt weight. There’s more!
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.