Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*