“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
That de-escalated quickly
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.