Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”