(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
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God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.