-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”