A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).