Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.