Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
nobody’s gonna understand
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point