I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars