[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant