discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄