If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.