I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
October already? What’s next? November????
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired