India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.