Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
You Might Also Like
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.