I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
You Might Also Like
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.