my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.