I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.