trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
You Might Also Like
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
For those that worship cheese..
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.