For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?