I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
my retirement plan is braless
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.