Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
This is hilarious….
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
If you know, you know
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.