I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
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“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
i actually laughed 😩
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go