can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
So sick of all these stupid rules
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest