ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
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Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything