TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
You Might Also Like
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
and now we wait
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*