The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍