girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
When your parents check you’re ok.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.