It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
You Might Also Like
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.