People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”