Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers