[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9