MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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Finished stitching this today 😇
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.