BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.