Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The Onion called it…again.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.