Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I only eat vegetarians.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise weâd just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
The game has officially changed đ
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: âIt is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new speciesâ
me: letâs do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If I give out nudes now, itâs extremely unfair to the nudes I didnât give out before.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
(listening to âHow to save a lifeâ by The Fray) please hurry.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlordâs morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Iâm no therapist but Iâd suggest that the fact that youâve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.