Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
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me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
We need more people like this.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*