Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Ice skating is like walking in cursive