I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
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Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Tony Hawk, age 6
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.