My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
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You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Only short people can save us
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie