TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you鈥檙e all – ugh – I suppose you鈥檙e all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don鈥檛 help me I CAN DO IT
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Ok I鈥檝e been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
A haunted house but it鈥檚 just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Hot hot hot 馃サ
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My last name is Zilla.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said