I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.