Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Why soy sad?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat