It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]